Free Falling
Nervous as hell, I knocked on the door. I heard the wood echoing under my fingers. What was to be expected when I entered the room on the other side of the thick, wooden door? I looked at the door in front of me. It could just as well been the entrance to the Federal Reserve´s vault, to a place where the most precious gems were kept. And in a way it was. As I stood there in the hallway, waiting for something to happen, my heart pounded like the heart of a racehorse. What if there never was an answer, what then? I couldn´t imagine anything worse and the bare thought of it made me dizzy.
Then it came. A faint “come in” floated through the wood and I swallowed hard.
Then I entered the room.
The room was an image of tranquillity when I entered it. The sun beginning to set and the golden summer rays casting a warm, pink glow over the scenery. I felt a chill in my body, a chill that had nothing to do with temperature. And there, by the window she was. Her hair aglow in the evening sun, so her face as she looked at me.
“John!” she almost shouted. “You’re back!” She gave me a warm hug and I inhaled the soft smell from her strawberry shampoo.
“Yes.” My voice was a bit harsh. I cleared my throat. “Sarah, there’s something I have to tell you.”
She looked me straight in the eyes, her irises the colour of a clear summer sky. “Yes?”
God, how could I ever find the courage to say the words that’s been haunting me? I knew I was about to collapse so I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Then slowly I opened them again. I knew the need of telling her about what it was, to have the truth out in the open, to get it over with, was much stronger than my own fear.
“When I was away it seemed like the world was less colourful. “ I stumbled over the words and I forced myself to take it slow. “All the colours seemed to fade when you weren’t around me and I just realized that..... that I love you. It was like I couldn’t function when you were gone, like I was in need of air but my lungs just wouldn’t breathe in your absence.“
Her eyes widened as I spoke, but I didn’t know if it was caused by happiness or by shear horror by my statement. Her mouth popped open but there was no sound.
“I love you.” I whispered into her hair and then I took my chance and kissed her, harder than I’ve ever kissed anyone before. After a few seconds of bliss I let her go, ready to face the consequences.
She stared into my eyes, full disclosure, and then she swallowed and looked away, hiding from my gaze, taking a few steps back from me, trying to compose herself from the shock. The sound that reached me next, was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. A sound that would mend a broken heart or tormented mind in just a fraction of a second. It was a sound that rocked my whole existence .
It was like a waterfall, rippling through a rainforest, a wind-chime, the voice of an angel. It was the sound of laughter, coming from the angel standing opposite me in the room. I looked at her, my mind a chaos tornado. What did this mean?
“Oh, John.” She smiled at me. “Do you know how hard I’ve tried not to fall for you, thinking you’d never want me?”
Was I dreaming? A dream created to inflict as mush pains as possible when I woke up from it, realizing that I’m in fact locked up in my personal hell of miserable love again.?
“Yo-ou..” I stutter. “You could fall for me?” I look into her radiant eyes.
“I’m ready to fall for you everyday, forever.” She grinned.
And then she jumped.
Lovisa Wallin 2010
Hi Lovisa! My name is Malin Nilsson and I'm right below you in our Creative Writimg list of students and I thought that I would give you some response on your story.
SvaraRaderaI will start with saying that I really anjoy your way of using the English language, it feels well-written. And I thought it was really funny that we have the exact same opening and end aswell as chosen word but have written two entirely different stories. I like how you are keeping me waiting for answers, I'm thinking that the guy has done something bad but instead he is scared of telling the girl that he loves her and it is good twist I think! Then you keep me waiting for the girls response and it makes the story interesting because you want to know what is going to happen next. You describe signs in the body language very well which I also want to give you credit for.
One thing that I thought about when I red your story was that you use the expression "I swallowed hard" two times and "she swallowed" ones and I would have liked you to have given me another description of maybe something different to strengthen the scenario you were trying to build up by using this expression. "I swallowed hard" is for me a very good expression I think aad therefore it stays in my mind and then when you write the exact same thing again it feels wrong for me as a reader, I hope you understand what I mean.
Also in the beginning of your story I thought about you first saying something about a wooden dorr and then saying someting about wood in the door context again and then saying door in the next sentence again, I feel like maybe you give the same description too many times and could try to find another way too talk about the door. The last thing i thought about was your way of ending the story, it feels like it does not need the "And then she jumped", I was a bit confused by it but then I also think it is interesting because I could refer to her standing by the window and then I thought maybe she jumped out of the window or it could just be a metaphore for showing your emotions like she does and jumping in to a different relationship with another person. Hm, a lot of rambling now, I think I will stop with this.
I enjoyed reading your story and look forward to your response for mine.
All the best!
Malin
Thank you Malin for your constructive feedback!! I do get what you´re saying and I´ll consider it in the future..=)
SvaraRaderaWhen it comes to the door, it´s very central in the story beacuse it´s what stands between him and the girl he loves. If he ´passes it there´s no turning back. Therefor I also choosed to focus on the wood, because it´s like the door is another player in the "game" and I wanted it to fell alive. Then again, maybe I overdid that??! I´ll try so use different words to discribe things like that...
The last sentence "And then she jumped" is to describe that she was ready to fall for him, but instead of just falling, she jumped into the ralationship, head first...
Thanks!!!
I understand what you mean too and they are all your choices. :)
SvaraRaderaI think it is a very good story as it is but there is always an opportunity for improving a story but it does not necessarily mean my tips are making it better for you! Overdoing things for example is depending of who is reading and the taste of that person, I think a clear choice in how you want to do it can be the answer. If you decide to really focus on the door for example because you think it is important story you should.
I get the point with the last sentence now, I think it is very clear what you are trying to portrait even without it though. I think that is a good thing, then the last sentence could be an extra spice. :)
Malin
Hello!
SvaraRaderaAs Malin commented above, I also thougth that the guy had been cheatin on her or something and it's a fun twist that the story is about pure love which is rare to read about these days.
You have a rich language and you combine a lot of beautiful words very well. As a reader I don't have to work hard at all to feel what the characters go through, becasue you have described it very well, and that is good.
As a read your comment I thought that perhaps ypu should have elaborated more on the door being a sort of third character, because I didn't get thet from reding it and it is a interesting idea, so maybe you should have gone the whole way if you know what I mean.
All the best!
/Lina
Thanks for your feedback Lina! The thought of the door as a third character was kind of vague when I wrote the story, I just had the feeling I had to focus a bit on it. Now I think that I should, just like you said, make it even more clear...like bringing it to "life"..
SvaraRaderaThanks! /Lovisa
Very well thought out and composed, Lovisa – all in solid English! I particularly fancy the metaphorical approach to the last line (especially since this sentence has sparked quite a surge of fatal/suicidal leaps elsewhere) and the fact that you keep us in suspense about the nature of John’s call more than halfway through the story without losing momentum.
SvaraRaderaTip:
- Since it was brought up: one way of attaching significance to the door without being overly “woody” about it would be to write, for instance, “oak door” instead of “wooden door” (which will also reinforce the idea of its solidness) and then have her voice work its way through its “fibres” or similar. (On the other hand, if the door is truly meant to be a key element to the build-up, you may want to add some literary effects to the moment it finally opens.)