Part 3)
E- “Charlie!! Control yourself!”
C-“Edward...I...”
E-“I know you don’t want anything bad to happen, but you can’t hide your thoughts and desires from me to read and therefore I know what you want in your heart. And Jane and I don’t think that Sarah’s ready for that, she’s too young. I also know how hard it is to control ones needs when you feel that strong about someone and you are still so young yourself. It’s just too easy to let things go to far, even by mistake.”
C- “Edward, what I wish to do, and what I do, are two very different things. I know right now you must feel as if you wish to yell at me, or throw me through a window or something.”
E- (murmurs) “It’s tempting…”
C-“I don’t know what I would find if I went into your head right now, yet by being nothing but civil with me, you exercise none of it. Still… I understand, I think…your caution towards me. Your reason to not leave something like that particularly to chance, or to my tenacity… The last thing I want is for Sarah to be compromised like that…or in any other way. Perhaps…maybe it’s my pride. Cause I thought, if you could control yourself…then why can’t I do the same?”
E-“You know that’s not the same thing, Charlie!”
J-“How dare you? When was there ever a time when I or Edward have risked Sarah like this? Tell me!! And the problem is that you are taking things too far with Sarah! Planning this…this…thing.”
C-“Call it what you like, Jane McAndrew! We both know it wouldn’t matter if she was 19, it all boils down to you not being ready to see Ness growing up!!”
E-“ Enough!! I’ve had it with your attitude! You REALLY don’t understand us? Sarah IS growing up to fast! You’re just fooled by the way she looks, but in actual age she’s just a kid, our little daughter and she’s not ready for this. No matter what she thinks she feel about you...”
(glares at Charlie)
E-“I can’t believe that you for a second think that we’re going to tolerate this kind of behaviour from you. The way you disrespect our wishes as Sarah’s parents. I know you don’t want anything bad to happen to her, but...” (sighs) “What if it were your daughter? You’re supposed to be more mature than this…this childlike…Oh, take some responsibility for your actions! ”
C- “Why do I have to suffer for passed differences….??? Or am I just not good enough? Is that it??”
E- “Charlie, you need to leave…NOW! You are no longer welcome here.” (closes eye taking a deep breath before opening them again) “Charlie, please…just leave! My family needs some time to think… understand??”
J-“Please Charlie, just leave…”
C-“Ok, I’ll go! But don’t you for a second think that this matter is settled in any way!” (murmurs while leaving) “I’ll find a way…”
I feel a bit confused, I think the dialogue needed to say more about the subject it was actually treating. Maybe that is just my point of view but I didn't really understand what the matter was all about, it wasn't clear to me.
SvaraRaderaOh, I was meaning to say it was good writing though, I still think you have a good way with the English language!
SvaraRaderaI wasn´t sure how much to reveal in the dialouge, so I founf this part hard to achieve. In my first draft there were much more information imbedded but then I removed it, very unsure about the whole thing...=(
SvaraRaderaBut thank you for liking my way of using the english language! That´s nice to hear...=D
After reading the commentary above I understand that you found it difficult to decide how much information to give away. I don't really get a clear picture what it is all about, but on the other hand when people are arguing they tend to not speak that much about actaul thing they're arguing about, they try to avoid the incident itself. Good job!
SvaraRaderaIf I were to make wild guesses I'm going with that this Charlie character wants to marry or have a relation of some sort with Sarah.
Any close? =)
Spot on, Lina! That´s exactly what it´s all about..=D Like you said, what people say while arguing doesn´t alwas make sense when you don´t know/hear the whole thing and the dialouge above is a part right in the middle of the argueing.
SvaraRadera... whereas I think Charlie is seeking permission to take Sarah to her first rock festival, presumably Glastonbury. ;-)
SvaraRaderaNah, seriously, I don’t have a problem getting my head around the actual situation - whatever the particulars of Charlie’s plans involving Sarah may be - but around Charlie himself. With lines and phrases such as “Call it what you like, Jane McAndrew!” and “suffer from past differences”, he doesn’t strike me as a young contemporary male, nor a Victorian suitor asking Sarah’s parents for hand in marriage (to name but one of the different contexts I’ve tried to imagine and apply). In fact, Charlie is such a socio-demographic mystery to me that I'm afraid it keeps me from fully enjoying and appreciating this particular dialogue. Clues, please? :-S
As for your other two dialogues, keep up the good work, Lovisa!
Tip:
- Try to rely a tad less heavily on parenthetical information and trust your readers to be able to imagine expressions, gestures etc that are perfectly in line with what is being said. Unless you’re giving direction to inexperienced actors, you could safely leave more to the imagination until one of the characters makes an unexpected or subtle move that is important enough not to be missed (which is why I refer to them as non-verbal clues in my instructions for this task).
Good one, Andy!!!
SvaraRaderaI kind of wish that was the case, because that´d be much cooler…=D
Charlie and Jane have a very complicated past together and that´s the reason why it infects his intentions towards Sarah. His way to express himself is an effect of dealing a lot with Sarah´s very old fashioned father, trying to ease him up.
As I wrote before I found this task difficult to write, especially because the dialogue is taken out of its context and I didn´t know how much I could alter or what clues to present and what information to give away. I´m aware that this piece may require the full story to make sense, but that´s a long story not yet finished (I have written about 200/400 pages so far…).
And thank you for the tip! I will be sure to take that with me in my future writing, since that´s what´s so great about a class like this…. =D
And I forgot….
SvaraRaderaI´m quite curious about Charlie myself! I haven’t gotten to know him all through yet and he may still surprise me during my writing.
I kind of hope they all will before the end of the novel comes!